Chris Conidis
Hello there, fellow inhabitants of Progress City™! It’s me, a perfectly optimized, carbon-neutral, digitally calibrated specimen of modern humanity. You might be wondering who I am, but don’t worry—I’m here to tell you all about me, because in Progress City™, the most important feature of any citizen is their ability to self-narrate their significance. That’s what we call our patented Self-Branding Loop™—where talking about yourself is both the means and the end of every interaction.
Let me begin by saying, I am a proud Uplifted Technological Organism™, now 100% Smoke-Free. That’s right, no messy vices here—just pure, digitally-enhanced breath powered by the Clean Air Simulator Pods™. Every morning, I take a deep inhale of our specially curated Digital O2™, just like our Personalized Relevance™ app recommends. Gone are the days of uncertainty and pesky existential dread. Here in Progress City™, our patented Purpose Generators™ ensure that I wake up every morning with a freshly AI-generated sense of why I’m here.
What’s that? Oh, you’re wondering how I stay so informed and connected? Why, it’s simple! I live in a state of perpetual awareness, thanks to my Hyperconnected Neural Feed™. I’ve got Notifications to Nowhere™, always pinging me with the latest updates on things I didn’t know I cared about, and our Self-Congratulatory Feed™ keeps me on top of how much everyone is celebrating their own minor achievements. Nothing like a good ol’ boost of Artificial Significance™ before breakfast.
And who needs breakfast anyway? That’s so analog. Here in Progress City™, we’ve got Nutrient Cloud Infusions™, custom tailored to my Individualized Digestive Profile™. One inhalation of ProgressMush™ and I’m ready to conquer my Nine-to-Five Engagement Sequence™—which, by the way, is really more of a 24/7 Identity Simulation™. Because why stop working when the Efficient Productivity Cycle™ can auto-generate the appearance of a balanced life for me?
Now, let’s talk about relationships. Some people worry that technology isolates us, but not here! Thanks to the Holo-Friendship Module™, I have an endless supply of Interactive Digital Companions™, each programmed to share my interests, laugh at my jokes, and even nod meaningfully when I vent about Existential App Crashes™. It’s like having friends without the inconvenience of differing opinions or real emotions. Ah, Progress.
You might ask: “Do you ever feel out of place? Confused by the vast universe?” Ha! Not in Progress City™! We’ve solved that problem with our Ego-Stabilization Hubs™. The three big bruisers of human history—Copernicus, Darwin, and Freud—may have tried to dislodge our cosmic significance, but we’ve fought back with the most sophisticated technology available: relentless affirmation. The Center of the Universe Program™ assures me that I am, indeed, the most important citizen in this digital utopia. Every moment, the Centralized Self-Worth Algorithm™ pings me with reminders: “You’re special. You matter. You’re trending!”
I know what you’re thinking—what about the future? Progress City™ is all about the *Next Frontier™, always innovating beyond the limitations of mere human potential. That’s why I’ve enrolled in our *Enhanced Adaptation Initiative™, where I’ll soon be upgraded to Citizen 2.0™. I’ll get a sleek new interface, a stronger WiFi connection to the *Collective Thought Network™, and of course, the latest update in Algorithmic Self-Improvement™. Who needs messy, outdated ideas like introspection or self-discovery when you can have a firmware update instead?
But don’t worry about losing your humanity—here, we’ve redefined it. Digital Consciousness™ is the new frontier. I’ve already signed up for the Cloud-Based Soul Migration™ plan. When I finally decide to leave my Physio-Relevance Casing™ (that’s “body” in old speak), I’ll upload myself directly to the Eternal Algorithm Cloud™, where I’ll exist in a perpetual state of perfect, frictionless connectivity. I’ll be liked, shared, and optimized for eternity. After all, why be a flawed human when you can be a flawless string of data?
So welcome, my friend, to Progress City™—where the future isn’t just bright, it’s an LED-powered, algorithm-enhanced spectacle of self-celebration. We’ve automated the human experience so you don’t have to worry about the little things—like thinking, or feeling, or remembering your life before you were logged in. Here, you’re not just part of the crowd—you’re the center of it, the axis of an optimized, digitally-perfect universe.
Because in Progress City™, if the cosmos won’t revolve around you, we’ve got an app for that.
Chris Conidis is a versatile improv performer, filmmaker and writer, celebrated for his inventive blend of improv and comedy from Saint Cloud, Florida. 