Move over, Homo sapiens—there’s a new species in town, and it’s dumber, shallower, and more terminally online than anything evolution could have ever predicted.
Behold: Homo Distractus, the first sentient downgrade in history. Where once we climbed the evolutionary ladder, developing tools, art, philosophy, and complex thought, we have now tripped, fallen off, and smacked our heads on every rung on the way down.
We were supposed to uplift ourselves. Instead, we’ve been dumbed down, watered down, and turned into dopamine-dependent mush-brains who can barely focus long enough to finish a sente—oh look, a notification.
Characteristics of Homo Distractus:
- Cognitive Load Capacity: 2 Tabs Max.
If more than two thoughts attempt to enter the brain at the same time, an immediate system crash occurs, requiring a 30-minute doomscroll reboot. - Attention Span: 3.5 Seconds (Generous Estimate).
Anything longer than a TikTok video is mentally exhausting and will be abandoned immediately. - Language Skills: Emoji-Based.
Entire conversations now take place exclusively in reaction gifs and abbreviations. Written language is being phased out entirely in favor of cryptic texts like “idk lol” and “bet.” - Depth Perception: Metaphorically Blind.
Anything requiring introspection, nuance, or deeper meaning is immediately rejected in favor of snarky tweets and 15-second Instagram stories. - Emotional Intelligence: AI-Generated at Best.
Expressing genuine emotions? Cringe. Everything must be filtered through irony, sarcasm, or a meme format. Tears are only acceptable if they’re live-streamed.
Social Habits of Homo Distractus:
- Mating Rituals: Swipe, Ghost, Repeat.
Dating is now just a never-ending beta test of human interactions. Long-term commitment has been replaced with “talking stages” that go absolutely nowhere before both parties vanish into the void. - Hobbies: Temporary and Disposable.
Everyone has a new obsession every three weeks. Last month, it was manifesting. This month, it’s roller-skating. Next month, it’ll be foraging for mushrooms like a medieval peasant. - Work Ethic: Nonexistent.
If a job isn’t 100% fulfilling, pays six figures, and allows unlimited breaks for mental health TikToks, it is immediately abandoned in favor of a content-creation side hustle that also goes nowhere.
Homo Distractus and the Future
Scientists believe that within two more generations, Homo Distractus will evolve even further into a fully digital species, where thoughts are replaced by hashtags and human interaction is conducted solely through livestreams and reaction videos.
By the year 2100, experts predict that conversations will be replaced with blinking LED screens, relationships will be sponsored by brands, and reading comprehension will officially become extinct.
It is the first time in history that a species has actively downgraded itself. We had libraries. We had art. We had philosophy.
Now we have people arguing with bots online and taking selfies with their lunch.
And honestly? At this rate, the next step in our de-evolution will be turning into houseplants. At least they can survive without a WiFi connection.
INTRODUCING: HOMO DISTRACTUS™ – THE FUTURE OF HUMAN DE-EVOLUTION!
Are YOU tired of thinking? Exhausted by depth? Wish you could exist purely on vibes and WiFi? Well, GOOD NEWS! The latest upgrade—wait, scratch that—the latest downgrade in human evolution has arrived!
Meet Homo Distractus™!
The first sentient species designed for maximum convenience and minimum thought.
💡 FEATURES & UPGRADES (But Mostly Downgrades!) 💡
THINKING OPTIONAL! – Why waste time with complex thoughts when you can just scroll endlessly through content that makes you feel slightly entertained but permanently unfulfilled?
MICRO-ATTENTION™ TECHNOLOGY! – Featuring 3-second focus bursts! (Warning: Not compatible with books, conversations, or reality itself.)
📱 INSTA-SOCIAL CONNECTIVITY! – Never feel alone again! Not because you have actual friends, but because your phone constantly bombards you with notifications you don’t even care about.
💬 CONVERSATION AUTO-TRANSLATOR! – Converts deep discussions into quick emojis and empty catchphrases like “It is what it is” and “Vibes only.”
💀 NEW! PERSONALITY WIPE FEATURE! – Why have original thoughts when you can recycle trends and repost someone else’s opinion?
🚀 JOB-HOPPING JETPACK! – Now with a built-in existential crisis every six months to ensure you never stay anywhere too long.
💔 SWIPE-BASED RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM! – Feel the thrill of endless dating options without the burden of emotional responsibility! Comes with an auto-ghost feature for when you get bored!
🎯 TARGET AUDIENCE 🎯
✔️ People who have abandoned reading, critical thinking, and meaningful conversations.
✔️ Anyone who believes the biggest red flag in a relationship is “liking different TV shows.”
✔️ Those who think scrolling IS a personality.
✔️ Fans of short-term obsessions, hobby hopping, and vague Instagram captions like “new era.”
✔️ Those who want to be famous but have no idea what they actually want to be famous for.
🚨 ORDER NOW & GET A FREE BONUS! 🚨
🥤 FREE LIMITED-TIME ADD-ON: THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A SQUIRREL™! – For those who want to forget what they were doing every 30 seconds!
📦 PLUS: A LIFETIME SUBSCRIPTION TO DISTRACTIONS! – Never sit alone with your thoughts again! Includes infinite scrolling, doomposting, and a deep, nagging emptiness you’ll mistake for hunger!
🔴 CALL NOW! …Wait, never mind. You already lost interest, didn’t you?
🔥 HOMO DISTRACTUS™ – WHY THINK WHEN YOU CAN SWIPE?™ 🔥
Chris Conidis is a versatile improv performer, filmmaker and writer, celebrated for his inventive blend of improv and comedy from Saint Cloud, Florida. 